Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize