Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
