I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
