I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
