you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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