i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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