Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
