he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
my poor anus
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
