Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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