Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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