Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
