my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
