Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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