Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
