i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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