I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize