i came on her dog
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
