you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize