don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize