My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
