Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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