our cab driver is having phone sex.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
