you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
