Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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