tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
