grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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