I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
