he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
