I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
