he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
