i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
