I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize