Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
