Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
