I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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