i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
