Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
