Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
