i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
