how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
