I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize