So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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