I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
nut hugger
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
