hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
