we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
