don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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