I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
