I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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