god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
