Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
