After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This is classic penis vs brain.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
PANTIES FOUND
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
