I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
