He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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