he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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