if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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