Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
