Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
