Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
