my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I need moral support for this bender
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
