Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
accomplished twins. life is a go
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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