someone get that fucking seahorse.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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